A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.  When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says.
"Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point!?!!"
"I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a  shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," Peter says.
"Two points!?!! "Exasperated, the man cries.
"At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."
"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape.
God did it with nails.

(passed on to us by a dear Brazilian friend - Baia)

 

A WOMAN WITH A GOOD ATTITUDE

One day a lady woke up to discover that there were only three hairs on her head. Looking in the mirror with a non fussed attitude she said to herself, "I think today I will braid my hair".

The following day she discovered that there were only two hairs on her head, undisturbed she said to herself, "I think that today I will part my hair". The following morning she woke up and and saw in the mirror that there was only one hair on her head, so she said to herself, "today I will wear my hair in a pony tail". As the story goes she woke up the next day to realise that there were no hairs on her head, she looked in the mirror and said to herself, "today I dont feel like doing anything to my hair"!!

 

The Preacher and the Bus Driver

Both die and go to heaven. They are greeted at the pearly gates by St Peter who has the responsibility of showing them where they will live for eternity. He takes them both to show the bus driver where he will live. Eventually they arrive to see a mansion beautifully set in a vast green valley. Upon seeing this the preacher thought to himself, "umm, see the BUS DRIVER receives this massive mansion as his reward, my reward for being a preacher must be incredible".

After the bus driver settles into his new house St Peter takes the very excited preacher to his place. They pass several valleys until they arrive to a run down shack. Where St Peter announces that this is his place for eternity. Bemused, the preacher says to St Peter, "I dont uinderstand, the bus driver received such a beautiful place and all I received is this run down shack"

"Well you see", says St Peter, "When you preached people from your congregation slept, but while the bus driver was driving the people prayed"!!!

 

The Amazing Pig

Passing by a farm the driver notices a very peculiar pig. He enters the farm to ask the farmer about the pig with the wooden leg. The farmer informs the stranger that "the pig is a very special pig. One day we were all asleep upstairs in our house. There was a fire and the pig came rushing upstairs and woke us up and saved our lives. We were so thankful to the pig that we made him our family pet. "Yes", says the stranger, but how do you account for his wooden leg"?

"Well you see" says the farmer, we went to the beach one day. We were all in the water when a shark happened to pass by. The pig is such a brave pig that he defended us fom the shark and saved us once more".

A little impatient the stranger says to the farmer, "but that doesnt explain why he has a wooden leg".

The farmer responds, "Aay you see thats simple, a pig such as that is too good to eat all at once"!!